The second you find out you are pregnant after battling infertility (if it were possible, the second before that second!), your love tank for your baby fills instantaneously.
To suffer a pregnancy loss after reaching what is, up until that point, the pinnacle of your joy on your journey to motherhood is almost unreal. It can feel numbing. It can leave you empty and uncertain how you will ever survive.
Like any woman ecstatic to be pregnant who loses that pregnancy, you mourn the loss of the future that already began to take shape in your heart and mind—the future with your child. But if you are not ready to give up hope on having your rainbow baby, you must guard your mind against fear so it doesn’t take you captive.
A previous stillbirth or miscarriage can induce a serious dose of fear when you become pregnant again. Sometimes you’re gripped by a contradiction of emotions as you plan for your next prenatal visit — hopeful and afraid, excited about the new life and sad about the baby you never got to bring home.
Or you might find yourself catapulted into a state of sheer anxiety when it feels like your baby is a little less active than the day before or you experience some feeling that you had during the pregnancy you loss.
What can you do?
On my seven-year journey to motherhood, my first pregnancy ended in a heartbreaking stillbirth, followed by multiple miscarriages. I was crushed. I had to be intentional, though, about not allowing those losses convince me that it was never going to happen, that I was never going to have a baby. My “advanced maternal age” made that a challenge, but I refused to give up hope.
Once I became pregnant with our daughter, I knew that living in fear and on edge my entire pregnancy could compromise my physical and mental well-being…and that was the last thing I wanted.
After we found out we were having a girl and chose a name, I would talk to her, say her name, and allow myself to imagine the mommy-daughter moments we would share. My husband and I read and sang to her in the evenings. During my own prayer time, I prayed over her development: brain cells, heart, lungs, thyroid, fingers, toes, knees, shoulder blades, sight, hearing, smell, taste, circulatory system, endocrine system, nervous system, reproductive system — I called out every body part and function I could think of in those prayer sessions!
And anytime I felt nervous about a prenatal appointment, I would read a few Bible verses before leaving my car. There were times I would take a deep breath and then walk into a baby store and think about how, one day, my baby girl would be snuggled in one of those adorable onesies or cute little outfits with a coordinating hair accessory. And some days I imagined myself gazing at her, in my rear-view mirror, while she cooed in her infant car seat.
I certainly had moments where the memories of my past heartaches came rushing in like a tidal wave, but I would fight my “what if it happens again” thoughts with thoughts of life and with faith and hope.
The Bible says “…whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things” (Philippians 4:8, NIV).
Becoming pregnant after any pregnancy loss can be frightening because you don’t forget the emotional pain . But I endeavored to learn to live with the pain of my losses while choosing to not stay living in the pain.
If you are pregnant again, try to embrace this pregnancy with hope and expectation. Remember Philippians 4:8.
Blessings to you as you prepare to meet your rainbow baby!
Find hope and inspiration to fight for your fertility, in faith, from my story SEVEN YEARS TO SYMONE: Finding Faith to Overcome Infertility and Have a Baby After 40.
