“I am so sorry Kim!” Hearing those five words while I was 20 weeks pregnant took my breath away. I had to fight to not allow them to take my hope, too. If you have suffered a devastating loss, you must fight to not let fear and hopelessness overwhelm you.
I was at my 20-week appointment and had been on the exam table for several minutes. After unsuccessfully trying to find my baby’s heartbeat, my doctor suggested we take a quick stroll down the hall to get a sonogram. Moments after the technician glided that ultrasound transducer across my tummy, I veered to the right and saw my baby on the monitor, motionless, seemingly suspended in mid-air. As I turned back towards my doctor, she exclaimed, “I am so sorry Kim!” Our baby had died in utero. I was stunned. After all the time it had taken us to get pregnant, in three days, I would deliver our baby stillborn.
Whether you have suffered a stillbirth or miscarriage, you can feel like your world has come to a complete halt. In that moment, you may have no idea how you will survive the heartache and emptiness. Once I finally got pregnant, our first loss was a stillbirth, followed by multiple miscarriages. I could only survive these painful losses one day at a time. The Bible says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1, NIV). I had to be intentional about looking for hope. I had to choose to have faith that there would be life after loss. If I had not, I would not have my daughter, a journey I share in my book SEVEN YEARS TO SYMONE.
I found hope in different ways. I remember when I hung a baby onesie in our closet, imagining the first time my baby would wear it even though I was not pregnant at the time. Sometimes having some sort of visual can lift you emotionally when you have had a rough day on your journey to motherhood. I had acupuncture for the first time a few months after our stillbirth. Those treatments had a calming effect that boosted my mood. I always left my appointments feeling refreshed and hopeful about my future role as a mommy. I also found so much hope and encouragement from the Bible. I share some of the verses I held onto in my blog Fight Negative Thoughts.
When you have lost a pregnancy, healing from that emotional toll is definitely a process. And no one can tell you how long that will take. But I encourage you, take deliberate actions to find hope as part of that process.
